The Basement Chronicles

it's such a constant battle to keep me motivated in school work. i get tired of routine. everything in me rebels against it and yet i'm trying to fight the urge of giving up with every fiber of my being. it's a very disintegrating process.

Shejo khalamoni's song is stuck in my head:
shorger shiri dhore, uki diye dekhe eshe
dichhi bole - ore nai nai nai..
okhane kono kichhu nai

ja bhebechhile mone mone
ato din kaal gune
shorge peye jabe thai-
okhane kichhu nai
mitthey bole, kichhu nai.

there are few memories as satisfying to relive as remembering big, fleshy mangoes and how it feels to bite into them as they bleed into your mouth. there's a completeness there that you don't quite feel sipping on a mango milkshake.

it's strange how when you put your mind to something that everyone else seems to think as positive, things will suddenly take quantum leaps to make it work for you. this never happens for things that i would want to do. as soon as you decide to keep yourself busy and get more involved in life, life starts getting busy and throw things at you to keep you engaged. how weird is that? does that happen to you? as soon as i decided to keep my thoughts busy and influx, i had a thousand things to think about. a thousand things to inhabit all the empty space in my huge, obnoxious head.

it brought an odd calm with it though. i feel lost in the shuffle. it's a curious sort of anonymity. it's like finally getting out of a huge tank full of green goop and walking into a bazaar where everyone's covered in any color of goop. you notice for the first time how much life you're surrounded by and you never pay attention to. you might also realize how much you actually have to give. like time, energy, patience, kindness and love. it also came as a surprise to find out that all this time when i was hoarding them, it didn't feel even 1/4th as good as it does to give them away.

i'm not talking about charity thought. it's not "donating for the good of humanity" or anything. i'm not being anything noble or selfless. it's just shocking for me to find out that I can imitate something like that so easily and actually make myself feel better. it's sort of a short cut in that regard i guess. it doesn't build character but it does relax all the knots in your head.

Another solitary night. I demand letters.

Damn sushi! Why must you take so long to make? >_

Keeping myself busy has become a full-time job. With possible probation looming in the horizon and all (okay most… okay two) of my friends graduating, I still don’t know where I’m going in life- whining about which has led me to believe that I suffer from a more severe case of self-centered, indolence than I acknowledge.

Every career path that I envision myself pursuing (or getting comftably rich in) requires a dramatic change in my academic course which means the last three years are pretty much useless. And I realized another thing, a pretty important thing. All of these “choices” require hard work. They require continued interest, talent (or some level of skill in the least… or a very, very rich uncle), initiative and social networking in real life (haha… i know –_-). NONE of which sounds like something I’d be good at/want to do/like thinking about.

THIS was supposed to be the time in my life when I do things. Or at least that was the plan back when I was not 30 years old. Going places, writing, learning, contributing, indulging the closet activist in me… Instead I spend hours everyday glaring at the monitor thinking how I hate where some things (my life included) are headed. And how my having an opinion about it matters as much as a bird taking a shit in a forest.

The reason for this unwarranted regurgitation is that I am quite incapable of making any decisions regarding my future. Not only am I insouciant, unmotivated and incurably lazy, I am also not hardwired to direct my energy into something that I’ve thought up myself simply because these ideas dissolve just as quickly as they appear and I stop caring about them.

 

And I’ve lost the energy to continue… see what I mean? I wanted to write about some of the positive (yeah I know.. scary term) things that I experience from time to time.. Some of the ideas that verge on being creative or at least interesting. But now I feel like I’m just dragging this endless monologue about how I’m the most useless pile of carbon based molecules I know. To no consequence or melodramatic epiphany nonetheless.

…I wonder what do people who have interesting, fulfilling lives blog about.

Sometimes I wonder why my thoughts and things that move me are always so extreme.  Even when I'm moved by small things i tend to be moved a lot. More than the occassion/object would command in a normal person. Is it because my life is so far from extraordinary that my mind's always on a speeding train? I don't know.

Point is, it's raining outside. And I can see poetry everywhere.

and you're wondering, how far down you are on my callback list..

I try to find any excuse I can to walk barefoot on the lawn when it's wet. Being with myself hasn't been that bad so far. I might just survive the summer in Newmarket, miles away from people I spend most of my time with. Away from my usual getaways and away from intoxication that offers temporary solace. 

I have enough time to notice that Newmarket's very pretty. If I made a movie about my life, I'd spend try-hard amounts of time shooting sunsets in big empty parking lots.

if i was an artist (or had any talent) i’d turn my cost curves into conceptual flowers. they’d be so much more pleasing to my senses and fun to stare at!

I write entire slews of post-nuclear fiction in my head while I'm trying to decipher color coded cost curves (hoorays alliteration!) *sigh*